I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation