I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I try
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.