I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Cannot stop laughing at this
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
