Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Many hands make light work

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back