Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.