Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Mornin

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it