Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.