Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.