I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
You Might Also Like
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Matthew was born for this.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*