Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Split the bill

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Breaking news:

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.