I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
North and South
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals