Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

I can’t deal with men any longer