I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
mood
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in