Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
No chill.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.