Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.