I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes