Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

🗽

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.