Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

We found love in a hopeless place.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

I’m not stressed

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.