Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

If you know, you know

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out