I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe