Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩