I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
incredible text to wake up to
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?