I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Covert ops
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.