I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.