I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there