I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
This is a genius move
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”