I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Managing expectations
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
