Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.