I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
You Might Also Like
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.