I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
i wish i could marry a nap
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.