Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Anyone want a chair?

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.