Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit