Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

be safe out there!

Science memes

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

The glory of fall.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?