“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
United Steaks of America
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.