Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me