“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.