Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!