Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

😂😭

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?