I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
This guy gets it.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long