I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

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Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.


They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.


[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school


Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.


WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!