Be the reason they create new laws.
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
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Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Error 609: When your kid sleeps in between.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!