I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
no!! no!!!!!!
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style