I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea