I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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Merry Christmas
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
