Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house