I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?