Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

A game married people play.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own