I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
#SuperBowl
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Am getting real tired of your crap…
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.