I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
live long and prosper!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?