Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Smile they said.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.