Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Stop