Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?