Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

me refusing to leave twitter

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

This could be us but you eatin’

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.