I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I put the p in pants.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …