Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

This kid is going places

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

it’s finally my moment to shine

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??