I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.