Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

So the ex texted me

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat