I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet