I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang