I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
meow
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
