I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
sigh
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Something Saturday.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.