I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork