I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
blocked.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?