I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
