I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently