I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You Might Also Like
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
HERE’S MARKY
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
emergency phone
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
