Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

bias laundering edition

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity