Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me