Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?