I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late