I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax