I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?