Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”