@dumbbeezie
@HeelyRiddler
for all #parents out there
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@HeelyRiddler
@sonictyrant
Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night
Me: hell yeah
Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?
@WheelTod
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
@BallsMcBallski
I wore a suit to Walmart and they made me their king.
@joejwest
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
@jonnysun
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
@salamingia
“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?
“Your trip will take 5 hours”
“Google, I have a child.
“Your trip will take 9 hours”.
@longwall26
If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.
@Writepop
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
@causticbob
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.