@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

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@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@SkippyMcGizzard

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

@geauxbraves

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@sarahmcgphoto

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.