I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?


My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.


*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.


Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?


So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?


I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.


I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.


Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.