@dumbbeezie
@KalvinMacleod
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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@KalvinMacleod
@patnelke
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
@SkippyMcGizzard
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
@ch000ch
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
@TEXASVETERAN
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
@shkeeber
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
@TheBoydP
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
@geauxbraves
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
@TheBenHoyle
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
@sarahmcgphoto
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.