I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
kids play hide and seek like
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you