I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

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Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?


Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.


DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]


i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in


“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?

“Your trip will take 5 hours”

“Google, I have a child.

“Your trip will take 9 hours”.


If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.


You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”


I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.