@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

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@sonictyrant

Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@joejwest

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

@jonnysun

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

@salamingia

“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?

“Your trip will take 5 hours”

“Google, I have a child.

“Your trip will take 9 hours”.

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

@Writepop

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.