I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
They’re the worst 😩
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Rambo Rambow
Have kids, they said
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!