Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.