I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now