I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.